So you’re ready for your vaccine!
Congratulations! You’re eligible for a Covid-19 vaccine! Please follow the easy instructions below and you’ll be on your way, helping us end the spread of this deadly disease!
1) Have you registered with VAMS?
a. Yes
b. No
If yes, then please sign in here: VAMS.cdc.gov
If no, then please register, follow the instructions, and if you’re eligible you’ll be directed back to this page.
2) Eligibility requirements: please circle any that might apply
a. Over 55
b. Healthcare worker
c. Frontline worker
d. Teacher
e. Essential worker
f. Underlying health issues
g. Group living resident
h. Admired by friends and family
i. Funny looking
j. Friend of Andrew Cuomo
k. Freckled
l. That guy who makes funny noises at the back of his throat behind you at the movie theatre
n. John Legend
o. Dungeons and Dragons master
p. Incel (we realized that’s the same as n)
q. Other, as if it really matters
3) Are you sure you’re eligible?
a. Yes
b. No
If yes, then please continue to the next question. If no, then please go to the VAMS site and register. And really, by now, why don’t you know? What’s wrong with you? Didn’t the CDC drop you a note to let you know? And what do you mean you haven’t registered yet? Boy oh boy. You don’t follow instructions.
4) List your vaccine preference
a. Pfizer
b. Moderna
c. Johnson & Johnson
d. Wishful thinking
e. You’ll try anything
5) Please provide your zip code below and let us know how many miles out you’re willing to travel
Zip code:____________________
Oops! We only want the 5-digit zip code, please fill that out again.
Zip code:____________________
__ 10 miles (are you kidding?)
__ 20 miles (ha ha, try again)
__ 30 miles (getting closer)
__ 50 miles (well…)
__ over 50 (oh come on, you’re getting greedy. You don’t think people in this area want to get vaccinated too? You think you’re so special that you can just go waltzing in to some other county, expecting to get one of these precious vaccines? Just who do you think you are?)
6) No appointments available, please try again.
7) No appointments available, please try again.
8) Sorry, all appointments are filled. Please check back later?
9) Sorry, you blew it.
10) Nope.
11) Nu uh.
12) Try again.
13) You’re really pushing it, you know?
14) Don’t you have anything better to do?
15) Seriously, we can go on like this for days, doesn’t matter to me.
16) Nope.
17) Yes! You have an appointment!
18) Ooops. That was filled. You should have acted faster.
19) No appointments available, maybe you should consider dressing up as an old lady and knocking on doors?
20) Ha ha! Kidding. That won’t work. Everyone knows we make it really hard for old people to even find this shit.
21) Seriously, are masks really so bad that you’re willing to take all this time digging around to get a vaccine? Are you that lazy? Wear a mask.
22) This session has ended.
23) Have you registered with VAMS?
a. Yes
b. No
If yes, then please sign in here: VAMS.cdc.gov. But honestly, it won’t do you any good. We’ve already proved that.
If no, sure, go ahead, roll the dice. See what happens.
24) Have you tried any of the following authorized distribution facilities?
a. Walgreens
b. CVS
c. Walmart
d. Rite Aid
e. Local hospital
f. Health clinic
g. The corner bodega
h. The back of the vegetable drawer? Who knows what might be growing there. Could start a whole new strain of vaccine.
i. Parking lot of General Rental, under the third streetlamp, near the dumpsters, after 10, but only on Thursdays.
25) Have you had enough?
26) Please leave additional comments below, in the space provided. We want to hear about your experience so we can improve this site for future participants.
27) We didn’t really mean that
28) Please visit VAMS.CDC.gov for additional information, frequently asked questions, details about the vaccine. You’ll also find information about possible side effects, depressing news that these might not be that effective and you’ll have to wear a mask from now until 2023 at the very earliest. Learn how to say goodbye to your family for good, because really, we’re just doing you a favor. At least it gets you out of those awkward dinners where you want to throw the mashed potatoes at your uncle and turn the TV up really loud so you don’t have to listen to the kids screaming. And let’s not get started on cocktail parties and dinner parties, or double dates with your best friends because Carol and Pete drink the most expensive bottles of wine and then say “Hey, let’s split the bill!” and all you had was a salad and a diet Coke because you’re driving.
29) Check here if you want to talk to my cousin who knows someone who knows someone
And thank you! A healthy population depends on you!
